Editors Note: The following is a fictitious, or “fake news” article created by a group of Mississippi PEP readers who gather for coffee once a week. They had such fun with it they decided to write it down and send it to us. Thanks to Rose and her friends for remaining loyal readers for so many years. And thanks for sending such a funny and somewhat plausible “Fake News” story.
She commented that by the time they had finished it was nearly lunch time and they had laughed so hard they were in tears.
The underlying message to grassroots conservatives in Mississippi is this: Take what we all do to fight big government and promote liberty and conservative principles very seriously, but never forget to appreciate the relationships you’ve built with one another, and occasionally take the time to show your sincere appreciation with laughter, love and fellowship.
New Economic Development Announced For Sunflower County
By: Rose Manor
A new “economic development project” has been announced for Sunflower County. The project will be subsidized by a federal grant. Matching state level funding will provide incentives for investors to sink money into the project approved as a federally certified New Market Tax Credit investment for underserved areas.
The amount in tax credits to be awarded over the next 6-months will total $50 million, and will be handed out by one of two Federally Certified Development Entities approved to award long-term federal tax credits to the investors plus 5-percent more than the equivalent of the value of the investors Cayman Island tax profile. The front end investment of each investor is not to exceed $15 million. Banks who will serve the financial needs of the CDE group and who agree to only charge fees to those with an income of 400-percent of the federal Poverty Level or higher will also qualify for an additional 2-percent annual tax credit if more than half of their new bank locations are promised to be constructed in minority-majority areas of the entire Delta region.
The new tourism-based private-public project that will be created by the CDE will provide jobs to 105 people from other adjacent counties in the Delta to move into Sunflower County and give site-seeing tours of the unnatural environment of the endangered Blues Beetle hardly anyone knew existed until just last week.
Meanwhile, the Mississippi Development Authority is matching another federal appropriation with an amount of $200 million for workforce training to train the new employees of the tourism based business how the Blues Beetle lives and every facet of the insects life. When completed the trainees will be prepared to give tours to the expectation of thousands of European visitors annually who are interested in the Endangered Blues Beetle and it’s survival thanks to an injection of $300 million in ad dollars to the Mississippi Department of Tourism specifically to be used to entice European tourists to become interested.
The intense workforce training will teach prospective tour guides how to speak to European visitors to Mississippi by annunciating words extra slowly in American English while pantomiming their meaning and using a newly developed technique called exaggerated body language. These additional communication skill are all part of an intensive 6-week course.
Thanks to an emergency waiver given by the federal government, money was miraculously located to put towards the project. But it wasn’t until just after the state of Mississippi was made aware of danger of losing federal funding intended for a project to replace water lines in the City of Jackson. Speaking on condition he not be named or photographed, one City of Jackson official told WLBT News that the water line project was approved and on schedule until one day “the guy who drove the dump truck just up and died.”
The anonymous city official also said the funding project was already becoming a big question and he felt like it was falling apart a few weeks before when the entire City Council went out together for drinks after a council meeting, got really stoned and forgot all about it.
Within 4-days Senator Thad Cochran and Senator Roger Wicker issued a joint statement saying the two had negotiated a transfer of the federally appropriated funds into a new account for the Sunflower County project. The transfer was made contingent on the inclusion of a government affairs legal team from Butler Snow Law Firm overseeing the implementation of the project for a fee not to exceed the equivalent costs of the Ridgeland-based firms lease-costs for its newly opened offices in London.
In a rare statement at a brief press conference near his D.C. office, Senator Cochran said he was pleased to have been able to help such an important project aimed at addressing Mississippi’s future.
“When I was a young boy I loved all kinds of animals,” Cochran said. “I loved bugs, too. I was really fond of beetles. And I like those kinds of cars, too.”
Senator Roger Wicker was present at the press conference, as well. Until his time to speak, Wicker remained standing behind Cochran and intensely staring at the back of Cochran’s head, while whispering something indecipherable.
When it was Wicker’s turn at the podium he approached methodically with an intense look in his eyes. He scanned the roomful of an estimated half-dozen news outlets. He then nervously dug around in his coat pockets for several moments before scurrying out of the room without saying a word.
Officials with the U.S. Interior Department on hand at the press conference told reporters the Blues Beetle was officially added to the Endangered Species List 5 minutes prior to the press conference in an emergency meeting in the broom closet three doors down. The insect was added to the list despite having an identical anatomy, including the same exact DNA, to that of the Washington State Doo-Doo Bug.
Director of the Mississippi Delta Regional Office of the U.S. Department of the Interior Endangered Wildlife Fast Funding Location Task Force Bill Burdsen was reached by phone recently and asked about the similarity of the two insects and if, in fact, they could be the exact same insect.
“No,” Director Burdsen said without further comment before the connection was lost.
The federal funding and state matching funds will go to provide the planning process of the plans to try and put together some people to discuss planning of a facility expected to maybe open in the Fall of 2020. At least, that’s the plan.
The facility will be the home of the newly employed group of tour guides known as Narrators. For now, Narrators will offer their own personal guesses about how the Blues Beetle came to call the Mississippi Delta home until a Public Relations Consultant has finalized the official story.
According to the details of the contract with MDA, Sunflower Insect Tours (SIT) is required to have all 105 hires in place by January of 2050 or risk becoming ineligible for a free toaster from the Delta Regional Authority. If job requirements are met earlier then the company will receive an additional bonus from the state government to pay for each of the 105 new state employees a new state vehicle that they will all be allowed to take home. Each of the new subsidized employees who works no more than 25 hours a week will receive the first four months of dues paid to the union group representing SIT employees.
The union group formed exactly 33 minutes and 47 seconds after the new tourism-based private-public partnership hired it’s first employee to manage the construction site. The union group is named the Sunflower Insect Tours Insect Narrators Affiliated Collective, know by it’s acronym SIT IN AC.
A Washington DC based consulting firm has been contracted to monitor the bidding process of the new $400 million facilities hiring of a security service company and the food services contract for cafeteria services. The DC-based consultancy will report to the Butler Snow Government Affairs Team and will also review proposals of new funding by engineering consultants at the firm who will assist the Insect Tour facility director in maintaining direct access to the Mississippi Congressional Delegations pre-Funding quick approval process. This funding process streamlines the application and awarding of additional federal money needed for operational costs, provided applicants pay a nominal up-front fee used to offset the travel costs of former Governor Haley Barbour’s work in the Butler Snow firms subsidiary economic development consulting venture.
One industry insider close to the ventures work said Barbour’s involvement had become a “much harder sell” due to the fact that over 80-percent of the “economic development” projects he promoted as governor had either moved to other states for more dependable labor, larger incentives, or have filed for bankruptcy protection.
The new Sunflower Insect Tours is slated for opening to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of an as of yet undecided important event that took place in Sunflower County, but organizers say expected cost overruns and general government ineptitude might force this back to a later date. If so, another important event will be cited or, if need be, created out of thin air.
Officials were unable to provide documents of the project planning and development saying the paperwork was still being “pulled together.” They assured reporters it would be available on Mississippi’s Transparency website by close of business on a day sometime soon after the next statewide election.